You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
it glows. i had to have it.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
