got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
