I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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