i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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