Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
