The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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