There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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