weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
