please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
