did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
