when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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