I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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