i don't like sucking hair
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
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