my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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