there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
