From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize