Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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