I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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