Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
