Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
