Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
