Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
