Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I've blown a few things in my day
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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