my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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