who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
