I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
