So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize
