Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
