I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
