Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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