Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Randomize
