my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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