turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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