Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
