Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize