I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
