babies were throwing up all over the place
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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