for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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