I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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