Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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