i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
