Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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