Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
there is another microwave in the elevator.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
