I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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