Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
