I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
