if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
