We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
