I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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