Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
