He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
