Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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