If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
