i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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