They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
