Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
