ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
