the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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