God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
