I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
