The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
there is glitter all over my balls
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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