I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
