Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
That accounts for only three of the penises
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
