I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
