Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
