I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
