Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
