Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
